you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
