I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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