I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
