I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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