Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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