so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
