Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
