Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
