it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
