And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
