I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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