I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
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Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!