he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.