I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
In other news, I just burned my penis
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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