just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm way too hungover for life right now
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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