why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
