i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
