did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What a dumb baby whore.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
