people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
