yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
