Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
