I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
