moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
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