dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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