well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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