I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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