Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Everything about him screamed your future.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
