Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
smell my finger.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
