who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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