i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
