he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
