I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
