Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
