she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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