Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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