Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
