I've blown a few things in my day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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