Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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