Someone shit on the floor
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
