Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
