Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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