Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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