Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
