I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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