her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
