i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize