Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
