Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
soo... how was my night?
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