Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
