it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
