tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...