What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?