dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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