Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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