The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
