the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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