she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize
