You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
