She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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