I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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