my room smells like sperm. sweet.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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